Kennedy

For the past month, Kennedy’s behavior has changed drastically. At school she is completely different child than at home. At home, her behavior seems pretty average for a toddler. Everything is “mine.” She is obsessed with her little sister Charlotte. She loves to help. She wants to do everything herself. When we talk to our mom friends we laugh and share all the crazy things our toddlers are up to these days. When Kennedy is at school her tantrums and behavior toward other children is bad. When we talk to her teachers about what she does at school it’s like Kennedy is a completely different child at school.

What is causing this sudden drastic behavior? We don’t know. Is it she can’t express herself verbally and is getting frustrated? She had tubes put in 4 months ago and her vocabulary is increasing but it is still not comparable to her friends’ who are the same age. Is this behavior from Charlotte being born? Perhaps she isn’t doing well with sharing the attention with another child? Is she acting out so she can be sent home to be with us? Is there something else wrong? Sensory problems? Autism? Or is she just a two year old? We don’t know.

What we do know is that Kennedy is a very expressive child. I mean, look at her face change in these photos. She has worried us from the very beginning. Worrying about her during pregnancy, worrying if she would make it to full term, worrying if she was gaining enough weight, worrying about her birthmark, worrying if we were reading her enough books, worrying she would hit her head when she was learning to walk…the worry continues today. Are we using the right parenting methods, is she eating the right foods? Is her behavior normal?

What are our guts telling us? What are our hearts telling us? What are our minds telling us?

Although we absolutely love the school Kennedy is at right now, tomorrow I will go and clean out her cubby and get her ready for a new school. I will probably cry gathering her items as I think about picking her up each day from school. It’s a routine I have grown to love and I will miss it. We plan on sending Charlotte there when there is an opening so I know this isn’t goodbye but for Kennedy, it’s the end of a place she been at the past 7 months. Next week she will start at a new school that will hopefully, be a better fit for her.

We are changing her diet. She always has diarrhea and I have no idea why we thought that was normal. We always thought it was just regular toddler poop but after a few friends have changed her diaper, they said she should be having normal stools at this age. She is gluten free for the next 4 weeks. Then we will try dairy free for 4 weeks. If her behavior and diaper rash changes, we will know it is one of those things. The pediatrician said they won’t do a blood test until we do these things first.

We took Kennedy to the pediatrician to ask her about this behavior and she doesn’t think it is Autism. She gave us a screening survey that she passed. We did get a referral to a specialist and our pediatrician said they will check her out and see if there is anything wrong. She said she could benefit from a speech therapist and we hope she qualifies. For now, we wait for the call.

Maybe we are worrying for nothing. Maybe nothing is wrong. What we do know is we have to advocate for Kennedy to find answers, as this little person does depend on us. That’s a big responsibility, but also a great honor.

Advertisements

Letter to Charlotte

July 9, 2018

Charlotte,

You are currently in the carrier as I type this and you remind me of a little kangaroo in a pouch. This place has been your safe and favorite place these past few months. Today you are three months old and I don’t know where these past months have gone. I have enjoyed getting to spend time with you this summer. I watched you go from sleeping all day to being more awake and alert, smiling, cooing, and grasping items near you.

It doesn’t seem that long ago you were just in your mama’s tummy and we were anxiously awaiting your arrival. When I think back to our pregnancy with you, it’s crazy to think of everything that happened. You were unaware, but there was a time when we thought you weren’t going to stick with us. We were told you would leave and it made your mom and mama very sad. We cried about it, just wondering when you would make you journey away from us. However, you surprised us and stuck around. That entire time we spent mourning, you were actually hanging out inside your mama probably wondering why everyone was so sad. I can’t tell you how happy we were the day we saw that little flicker on the ultrasound screen. The little flicker was your heartbeat. We even got to hear it that day. You were so little the doctor didn’t think he would be able to pick it up, but he did. We were excited, yet cautious, hoping you would continue to grow and one day be in our arms.

You surprised us again when we found out you were a little girl. Mom and mama were sure you were a little boy because of how different your pregnancy was than your older sister. I can’t wait to see you and your sister interact as you continue to get older. Having a sister bond is very special. You already love watching Kennedy play and one day, you will get play with her. Your mama and I think you are more laid back than her, but shhhh, don’t tell her. I wrote a letter to her too when she was about your age. I hope you girls enjoy reading them one day. You are both loved so much. I know right now it seems like your sister takes over your world, but that will change. You will get to experience this one day when we have another child and you are the older sibling. Kennedy loves you. Just remember that when you look back on all the videos and pictures we have taken of the two of you. Sometimes her love is a little overwhelming but she will get better as she gets older.

I know you are a strong girl. You proved that to your moms when you were very little. I know there will be a time when you don’t need us to protect you as much, but just remember that we are always here. We have gotten better with not being worried about every little thing. We will always listen to everything you have to say and we hope you make good, safe choices throughout life. Don’t ever be afraid to come to us with a problem. Remember, we have each encountered problems as we grew up too. Remember that a broken heart will heal. At the time it will seem terrible and it will feel like life will be never be good again, but it will. You have an older sister, two moms, and a ton of family and friends who adore you. I love you Charlotte, the littlest Bailey. Please remain sweet, calm, and strong. You can get through anything.

Love,
Mom

Life with two kids

If you would have asked me what my life would be like as an adult I would have never guessed this one. I am a person who LOVES to plan things out but not everything in my life is planned. My adult life was unplanned. Who I married was unplanned. I didn’t envision myself marrying a woman. I saw myself marrying a man and having children in my early twenties because I wanted a lot of kids. But not everything goes according to plan. I fell in love with Katie, got married after being together for only a year, and did not have children right away. When we did have children, we went on a journey I didn’t even know existed when I thought about my future. It’s crazy to think about these things and realize that not everything goes according to your plan. Those childhood memories of what I want to be when I grow up are nothing like what I actually grew up to be. I love it though. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I can’t see myself in any other way than what I am now. I am living a dream I didn’t know was a dream.

Life is definitely different with two kids. It’s a little more hectic but nothing more than what we expected. There are many transitions we have been through. There was the transition from the hospital to home, the transition with one mom going back to work, and then we will experience both moms being back at work and both kids being in daycare in the next couple months. I think the transition of going back to work was much better than last time. I was really sad last time I went to back to work. We also dreaded the moment we had to put Kennedy in daycare after we both returned back to work. I miss Kennedy and Charlotte being back at work but I didn’t experience those depressing feelings I felt last time. Kennedy is also in school while I am work so I know I am not missing any moments with her. She also LOVES school! I love seeing how much fun she is having with other kids. I do enjoy all the pictures I get from Katie of her and Charlotte while I am at work. We aren’t dreading the moment Charlotte will need to go to daycare. Being through all this once makes the second time smoother.

Kennedy, our oldest daughter, definitely demands the most attention when she is home so I am happy Katie is on maternity leave to give Charlotte one-on-one attention during the day. For example, I was holding Charlotte last night and Kennedy insisted she needed to touch Charlotte. Since Charlotte wasn’t feeling well, it was better for her to be in the swing instead of being held. Then I played with Kennedy and her toys on the floor. Whereas when Kennedy born, we spent so much time holding her, having her propped up on our legs, and just staring at her every move. We still have these moments with Charlotte but it would be a lie to say we have just as many of those moments as we did with Kennedy.

Kennedy loves her sister…most of the time. She is practically a two year old and toddlers just don’t quite understand that they need to share the love sometimes. Kennedy has it set in her mind that she needs Katie all to herself in the morning and Charlotte needs to stay away. However, after Kennedy gets home from school all she talks about is the baby. The word “baby” keeps coming out of her mouth on repeat until she sees Charlotte. Adorable!

There are so many cute moments and also stressful moments. We are all entitled to be frustrated as long as we realize it’s not the end of the world. Everything will be fine. Frustration, sadness, arguments, silliness, and happiness are all a part of life. I am so thankful to be at this part of my life. I can’t believe we have two beautiful daughters. I am sad that our oldest daughter is turning two tomorrow but if she didn’t get older, we wouldn’t have Charlotte.

I still can’t believe that we were told at the beginning of this pregnancy the baby wouldn’t make it. Now we have Charlotte here and I can’t imagine life without her. She made it through all our sadness over the loss we thought we had. I am scared to see what our next pregnancy will be like since we have encountered problems with both pregnancies.

Charlotte looks so different than Kennedy that Katie and I sometimes wonder if they are sisters (just kidding, but we do hear about such events in the news from time to time). They are full siblings but their facial features are different. Charlotte is such a good baby compared to Kennedy who was a fussy baby. We joke around saying it’s awesome Kennedy was the fussy baby and came first because it makes Charlotte seem like such an easy baby. I know this can change because she is only two weeks old. However, so far she is very patient and quiet baby.

It was a powerful moment getting out all the needles we have used to create our two children. It might seem odd keeping a bunch of needles but I know we aren’t the only people who do this. I have seen so many photos with needles used from IVF or other fertility treatments and it makes me reflect on our journey. I can’t say it enough but science is amazing. With the help of science, we have two beautiful daughters. We are blessed. I can’t think of a better to describe it. We love life and would do everything we have done again to get to this moment. I can’t wait to experience all the things Kennedy and Charlotte teach us.

38 Weeks

Wow! The last time I wrote Katie was 16 weeks pregnant! I have slacked on the blogging part. Our daughter, Charlotte, will be here in exactly one week! We have another planned cesarean section. This one is scheduled a couple days before the due date, hoping labor doesn’t come before then. Kennedy was born on her due date by cesarean section, but that was only because of timing and scheduling. Charlotte’s due date is the 12th but her birthday will actually be the 9th. We can’t wait to meet this little girl.

Although we got off on a rough start, this pregnancy has been somewhat less stressful for us. I mean, as parents we always stress. As parents who have undergone IVF we stress even more since we know about every little thing that happens from the moment this little embryo came to be. This pregnancy has been hard on Katie’s body. She says it is nothing like Kennedy’s pregnancy and Charlotte is quite the mover! She is also experiencing a baby that isn’t breech like Kennedy. She can feel Charlotte’s butt and legs going into her ribs most days. We also had an ice scare this pregnancy. We went to the snow for a fun snow day but ended up with a pregnancy scare and broken wrist. Katie feel on her stomach trying to help me who fell on her wrist (ah I know! I wish I could go back in time). Charlotte was fine but the hour long drive to the hospital that day was terrifying. Katie said she couldn’t feel Charlotte move which wasn’t normal for her. As it turns out, she was sleeping most likely. We got her to wake up when all the monitors were on Katie’s stomach. Later that day I went to get a cast for a broken wrist. I finally got it off and it’s been a rough two months. Dealing with a toddler, a broken wrist and a super pregnant wife has been a tough situation in our house.

It’s awesome to see how different this pregnancy is than Kennedy’s pregnancy. I can actually see Charlotte moving further and further down. Katie’s stomach continues to go lower as we get closer to the due date. It’s funny to think that we thought for sure Charlotte was a boy due to how different this pregnancy was compared to the last one.

I have had so much fun decorating a little girl room. You can tell I plan way ahead because Charlotte isn’t even here and she already has a twin bed in Kennedy’s new room along with her name above it. Katie and I felt slightly sad at first when we heard we weren’t having a boy because we were convinced we were having one. It’s a little odd when we continued to call Charlotte our boy name for the longest time and then realize the little person you thought was in there, wasn’t. After the shock of knowing we were having another little girl passed, we have grown excited to meet her. Having sisters close in age will be so much fun. We will get to witness the bond as well as the fighting as the years pass.

I went through Kennedy’s clothes the other day and unpacked some for Charlotte. I was picturing Kennedy in all those clothes and it made me slightly sad realizing how much time has passed and she isn’t a baby anymore. I love watching her go through all the stages of life, but I do miss our little baby. I will enjoy going through it all again with Charlotte. I also realized this will probably be the last little girl who wears these clothes. That also made me sad. While this is a happy time in our lives I just want time to slow down! Having kids is wonderful. I can’t imagine life any differently. I don’t want there to be a time when they are all grown and out of the house (I know this is so far away but time has a way of sneaking past us).

Kennedy doesn’t understand there will be another baby in our life soon. I mean, what toddler really understands the life changes that are about to happen with another baby in the family? Kennedy recently had tube surgery on her ears. We learned she could barely hear anything for quite some time. She is behind in her language and is slowly learning new words. She responds to her name now without us having to raise our voice when we say it. I feel so bad our girl went so long without hearing. She had many ear infections and the fluid just never drained all this time. I am slightly irritated the pediatrician never checked her ears after we were prescribed drops for an ear infection. All this time we assumed the infection just went away each time because that is what we were told. We know now to push for follow up appointments every single time. Seeing our little girl go into surgery was heartbreaking. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for parents who see their kids off to a serious surgery. I had a hard time with a simple procedure. I know Kennedy was terrified but I kept telling myself she won’t remember it. Katie and I however won’t forget it. Signing tons of papers stating if something happens to your child they are not responsible, and then handing her over to someone else is scary. Kennedy is so much happier now and although she is behind on her speech, we are so happy she had this done earlier rather than later. She will catch up eventually. We read to her every day and encourage her to speak as much as possible. She has grown into a sweet, and sometimes sassy (I mean, she is almost two), little girl. Katie and I think she is perfect and can’t wait to see the little person she becomes one day. I know having another baby is going to be a tough adjustment for her. Eventually she will grow to love having a little sister.

Katie and I also took a huge chance and started our own clothing line. When we were pregnant with Kennedy, we searched just about everywhere for clothes that fit our family. There isn’t much out there for LGBT families. We decided we would start a clothing line for families like our own. We hope our company thrives and we can continue to expand. We have been so fortunate with the amount of support we have received from our social media family and we hope the support continues for our clothing line.

I never saw myself here almost three years ago when we started our IVF journey. So much has happened. I still do not understand why we had to go through so much heartache to get to where we are but it was all worth it. I would do it all again to get to where we are right now. Katie and I mourned the loss of Charlotte when all along she was there. She is quite the fighter, like her sister Kennedy, who hung on next to a huge blood clot during her pregnancy. We are fortunate to have two wonderful daughters in our life. Our family hopes we can continue to help others when it comes to creating a family with the help of science, and supporting LGBT families. I can still remember going to the internet for help and feeling relief and support when I found the TTC and LGBT online community. I hope we continue to help others like they helped us.

16 Weeks

16 weeks pregnant today. It’s crazy how we are out of the first trimester but Katie is still feeling sick all day. We haven’t had an ultrasound in a while and there are times when life just goes on. Our next ultrasound will be close to Thanksgiving and by then, I believe we have the anatomy scan where the OBGYN looks at each part of the body on the baby and makes sure everything is growing as it should. It will be a huge relief to see everything looking okay.

We still worry about our baby. We had the early blood test to test for genetic abnormalities but I know there are many things we can’t test. There are some things we wouldn’t even find out until after the baby is born. I think if things in this pregnancy were similar to our last one, we wouldn’t worry so much. Then again, the last pregnancy had its rough patches too. Both have had their rough starts, but as long as the baby is growing as it should, the worries should slowly start to get less (or so I tell myself).

It’s nice telling Kennedy that her sister is in Mama’s tummy and telling her to be gentle. Of course she doesn’t understand this but it is still nice to be able to say it. I am having fun designing the girls’ room. Right now Kennedy is in the nursery and we plan on keeping her there for a while. I am someone who likes things done RIGHT AWAY for no reason (haha). Now that I know we will have two girls who will eventually share a room, I can begin designing it and have things put in place. I can take my time of course but I have already ordered two twin beds and the bedding to go with it. Although we wanted a boy next it is nice being able to go pink for a bedroom. Pink bedding, pink décor, etc. I hope these two grow up to be good friends. After this bedroom is complete we will no longer have an empty room that has been used a storage closet. I think that is what bugs me the most because I want everything to be in its right place. Now that I have gotten slightly off track, let’s get back on. This isn’t a Pinterest blog!

I think it will always be a constant worry that our baby is okay and the day she is born I hope to see a healthy little girl. That is how we felt with Kennedy and just seeing her for the first time was the most amazing feeling. We just had, or maybe it was just me, a hard time imagining that we would be given a baby like everybody else. It’s amazing to think that a baby can be created in a lab and you can’t tell the different between that baby and the rest of the babies at the hospital. No one know how Kennedy was created when she is surrounded by other children. It’s just something I can never get over. Science is amazing and we are so thankful for it. Now if only we could create a baby using two women’s genetics 😉

Where Are We?

Where are we?  Katie is currently 12 weeks pregnant.  It’s hard to believe that just a few weeks ago we were both depressed and lost.  IVF takes you to an extreme high and extreme low.  There are no in-betweens.

Every week we get further in this pregnancy and it becomes more real.  I know everything happening is real, but it’s the same feeling I had last time.  We had so many issues with our pregnancy with Kennedy and it began with excitement and happiness, went to a scary low, and then we were just cautious the rest of the time.  The pregnancy became real when I felt Kennedy move in Katie’s stomach.  The baby was okay.  Even when Kennedy was born I was so relieved when I heard her cry.

The other day I was taking a picture of our latest ultrasound photo on a onesie that said, “made with love and science.”  I spread out all the needles that have been used so far with this pregnancy and made them into the shape of a heart around the onesie.  I had to step back and take a look at how far we have come.  The amount of needles used looked like nothing compared to what we used for Kennedy’s pregnancy.  We had probably used triple the amount last time.  I also realized the needles I was looking at were only used on Katie and not me.  The part I played in this pregnancy was administering the needles.  This time is different, yet has many similarities.  We have had another scare as we did last time.  We thought we were going to lose the baby, like we did last time.  Katie was told to take it easy, like she was told last time.  As long as we have a healthy baby like we did last time I’ll be happy and thankful.

I can’t explain the feeling.  I know there is a baby in there, but IVF causes all these weird feelings to get mixed up.  I am always scared.  I am always worrying about everything.  That is the best way to explain it.  Every week is a blessing and it means the baby has continued to grow.  It’s too bad we can’t see the future to know things will be okay.  Although, seeing the future could also be bad if we saw things we didn’t want to.  I will end this with….I can’t wait till April and we are holding a baby in our arms.  

3 Days

At our last appointment, we had a long wait. We sat in the waiting room for over an hour. As I sat there and waited I couldn’t help but think. It’s never good when you think too much but of course that’s what I did. As I watched patients enter the waiting room and leave, I started wondering about their story. Patients who held the new patient folder I wondered what their journey would be like. Would it be like ours? Scary? Full of rough patches but result in a beautiful baby like Kennedy? Would everything be successful for them the first time? One patient had her daughter with her. An energetic toddler who kept us entertained for the time they waited. I assumed they were trying for a sibling like us. Would this woman have success? Every fertility story is so different. We all come with different backgrounds but we all want the same thing: a baby.

We are almost to Monday for our 7 week ultrasound. We were in shock from our last appointment after we were all expecting to see nothing on the screen, or possibly any kind of disappointment on the screen, and we saw a little flicker instead. After hearing our little baby’s heartbeat my heart skipped a beat. I was sucked in. Now I had more hope. Is this a bad or good thing? I was already hoping we would find a baby but I also know something could still happen.

I have read numerous blogs. Many have had an experience like ours and their pregnancy resulted in a healthy baby. The other half have had an experience like ours and their pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. Some of those stories shared how they heard a heartbeat at one ultrasound, then they went back a week or two later and didn’t hear anything. 

A woman we have been talking to about our pregnancy experience so far went in for an ultrasound today. We relate to one another because we have gone through a similar pregnancy experience. Her BETA numbers were similar to ours; they didn’t double. She was told she would miscarry or it was an ectopic pregnancy. She went in at 6 weeks and heard a heartbeat. Today she went in for her 7 week ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. My heart sank for her. I worry even more now. She gave us hope for our ultrasound since she had hers first. We congratulated each other after we both saw little heart beats on the screen. Now I’m afraid we will both grieve. 

Monday can not come soon enough. Thank goodness we have the first appointment of the day, even though that means leaving super early. Kennedy will be with us. Maybe she will help keep our minds occupied after whatever results we receive. We will keep praying that our baby is okay. That’s all we can do.

Ultrasound Thursday

Fourth BETA results came in today: 1401 but they needed to be 1542 to be “normal.” This little one still isn’t where he or she needs to be. How do I feel after these results? Confused. Worried. Undecided. I am thankful to have so many people share their experiences with me. After reading all them, I was left wondering, will this all be okay or will it end in heartache? I mean, either way I have already experienced heartache as I sit here typing with puffy eyes. I am trying not to have hope, but at the same time I still have it. I also don’t want the baby to think we don’t have hope for him or her. I think we both just want to put up a wall to prevent ourselves from experiencing more pain. I just don’t think It’s completely possible to do that. From what I have read, I feel like there are quite a bit of success stories as there are unsuccessful. Is our baby taking its time to rise up to where they need to be? Or is it just carrying on because of the medications we are taking to support the pregnancy?

We have a scheduled ultrasound Thursday. Terrible timing, although, is there EVER a good time for this? It will be my second day back at work and I already need the day off for an emergency ultrasound. I hope everyone understands, but I know it is hard to understand when you aren’t going through this. I have had people ask me questions that they could also ask google, but when they do ask me, it just makes me realize how much people don’t know unless they were going through infertility help themselves. It’s like having a second job with fertility. I feel like I know most of the terms, each step, each procedure, the costs, etc. When I hear someone talk about a job that I have no experience in, I can’t relate. It’s confusing. That is how infertility is when you try talking to someone who hasn’t gone through it. It’s hard to explain. I’ll leave it at that.

Back to the waiting game. No more BETA tests and we will know more Thursday. Less than a week away. In the meantime we are watching Katie’s body very closely as we were told to do. We are looking for signs for an ectopic. I don’t want anything to happen to Katie and after googling ectopic pregnancies, I realize how dangerous and life threatening they can be. I still can’t believe I am even typing things like this. When did I ever think I would be googling “ectopic pregnancy,” or “signs of a miscarriage?” These are things no one should have to look for or experience. So, the timer starts ticking again. Today is Friday, less than a week away, 6 days…

Waiting Game

Well here I am again, getting my anger and sadness out in writing. How do I feel? Always on the verge of tears. My whole body hurts. What is happening to me? It’s like I have no control and this emotion just conquers my entire body. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be around people who don’t understand what I’m going through. I feel alone in my head with my thoughts. I shut people out. I don’t want to even be around me. I know if I have to be around people, I have to put on a fake face. I didn’t think I would ever have this feeling again after our first round of IVF failed. This time I have Kennedy around. She forces me to keep going. Thank goodness. I still don’t act like my normal self. I want to get rid of this feeling but have no idea how to shake myself from it.

We received bad news on our frozen embryo transfer. We have had 3 BETA tests done and have another one tomorrow. So far our test results have been:
260
(3 days in between) 580
(2 days in between) 771
Our numbers didn’t triple or double like they were supposed to. They told us it could be ectopic or if it isn’t, it will most likely be a miscarriage. They expect a miscarriage because ectopic numbers usually would go up and down and not steadily increase like our results show. We will have an ultrasound next week since we will be six weeks along and they can see where the embryo is. It saddens me to even hear that we are 6 weeks along and this has to happen.

I took Kennedy to the park this morning. There usually aren’t a lot of people at this park. However, this morning there was a little girl around Kennedy’s age, her dad, and a baby in a car seat. Of course I got sad. I feel like I am so sensitive to everything. When a pregnant woman showed up we left.

Now I’m at home trying to immerse myself in being with Kennedy. It’s just so hard to do when my thoughts keep going toward our embryo. Will he or she be a miracle baby? Will we be waiting for disappointment? What is wrong? Time time time is the only thing that will answer all my questions. I just hate waiting. If I could block the emotions, time would be easier. I feel like a terrible mom. I should just focus on Kennedy.

We are struggling with where to go from here. We have 10 frozen embryos. Do we biopsy them? Our last embryo transfer we had was fresh, we transferred two, one survived but it was high risk after a blood clot, but now we have a healthy Kennedy from that pregnancy. We are wondering if we should biopsy our frozen embryos, even though we know how dangerous it is to thaw and refreeze. 2 out of 3 embryos we have put in have had issues, perhaps genetic? We don’t know. Any experiences would be appreciated.

‘Twas the Night Before Embryo Transfer

‘Twas the night before embryo transfer…but really it is. I can’t believe we are back at this spot again. Completely different than last time. The night before embryo transfer last time was a moment different than this one. We worked so hard to get to that part in the IVF process. At that point we felt excited to reach a new step we hadn’t reached the previous time. We had done two rounds of IVF just to get embryos that we could transfer. This time, the work we did was not even hard compared to last time. Still painful? Yes! How can needles not be painful? I didn’t go through needles this time but we are at the point of progesterone shots where I am in involved in the shots since I need to give them.

Katie is not having a great time with the progesterone shots. She feels that pain each day. I always feel bad because I don’t feel that pain and I try my best to give the shot so it doesn’t hurt. However, like I said, shots hurt, so who knows if I can actually give an unpainful shot.

The emotional feeling from both of us tonight is scared…nervous…. I think we thought of everything to do so that if this doesn’t work we won’t be saying, “Maybe we should have done that differently.”

I look at Kennedy and can’t believe how much she has grown. I see her as a mini adult, minus the huge language barrier. Haha. I love her age but I can’t wait to be a mom to another little one. I can’t wait to see a bond form between Kennedy and a sibling. I see so much in the future for our family.
I keep wondering if this embryo transfer doesn’t work, will I break down and fall apart like last time? Right now I don’t think I will but who knows. I don’t want to fall apart but is there any way to prevent or predict that outcome? No. What will tomorrow bring? I hope it will bring the start of another baby into our lives. The start of another chapter for us. I know we will get through this no matter what happens and we won’t give up. Whether we are a mess or not, we will try to pull it together so we can be our strongest for another try. For now, we will wait. That’s all we can do. Wait, wait, wait. IVF is full of waiting.